2017 proved that some of us will do anything “For The D,” and unsurprisingly revealed that some men don’t know the difference between consensual and non-consensual D. So, in honor of the #MeToo Men’s Hall of Shame including Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer and Russell Simmons, and the holiday season, I’d like to provide some gift giving options for those who aren’t savvy enough to buy a Cinnabon scented Yankee Company candle and call it a day.
I know, #NotAllMen! YOU are one of the good ones! Your mama raised you right! You treat women with respect and have definitely never jizzed into a potted plant (in front of a woman anyway.) But if it’s not you, then it is definitely someone you know, and that someone is definitely your friend Darren from college–the one your wife hates FOR GOOD REASON. Yeah, he’s got the hookup on the dankest weed, but he is also a disrespectful sexist scrub who has the nerve to talk trash about his girlfriend even though he just lost his part-time job at Dengeos for poor dental hygiene.GIVE HER THE GIFT – of checking his big mouth when it starts running. And toothpaste.
A certain kind of man is a walking cesspool of toxic masculinity. He is the self-proclaimed Authority on Manhood. According to his ancient wisdom, men hunt; women gather.
Dude. It is 2017 and you are an accountant.
No one needs to hunt! Skirt steak is readily available in the Whole Foods freezer case. You just pulled a hammy reaching for the remote. If you actually had to hunt, the Chicago rats would wreck your world and leave you weeping inside a dumpster behind the Harold Washington Library.
This man worries that walking the wrong way looks “gay.” The color pink is kryptonite for his fragile arse. He scolds little boys for playing with dolls.
Sir, I wish you would’ve played with dolls when you were a wee lad. Perhaps then your imagination might have let Barbie and Ken – or the Michael Jackson from Thriller doll with one leg in my toybox – go on a date to a nice restaurant, one with glass cups and free bread. And on that imaginary date, you might have developed the ability to converse casually on a vast multitude of topics, not just the Gawd-ordained roles of men and women and the Illuminati.GIVE HER THE GIFT – of a Prince box set. Also, let people live their damn lives.
Now that feminism is a thing that men have to pay attention to, some men are confused. How are you supposed to flirt? Can’t you call her “bubble butt” at work anymore without getting fired? How does one find a mate without chloroform and a windowless van? It’s sooo confusing!
This is the time to call your lamest, nerdiest buddy who is inexplicably married to the dopest chick. Literally no one can figure out how this matchup happened. He has ZERO game, a modest job in middle-management, a bald spot and a third-trimester beer belly. He wears a night retainer. He is the mathematical average of an Average Joe. And yet he goes home after work every night and eats spaghetti with a Victoria’s Secret Angel.
How did he do it? He probably said: “Hi, my name is Roger, nice to meet you,” while wearing dirty broken glasses with tape on them. And HE STILL GOT THE DIGITS.GIVE HER THE GIFT of you being boring af.
Men, I hope this helps. I know 2017 ended rough for you. The lines are being redrawn and the halcyon years of D’s waving freely in the wind are over, but flirting and sexuality are not dead. There’s no shortage of consensual fun to be had! Trust us, 2018 will be a better year! Unless of course, you just got called into HR.
Sheri Flanders is a comedian and writer who teaches at The Second City and is a theater reviewer for Chicagolandmusicaltheater.com and Performink. You can find information on upcoming shows on her comedy duo Facebook page FLANDERS @Flanderprov
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