I’m not sure when it started happening exactly,but I’ve recently realized that I’m spending more and more of my day wearing sunglasses. It started out innocently enough when I discovered that if I kept my sunglasses on while on the train, I had an additional way to communicate to people — along with my headphones, open book, “Please Don’t Talk To Me, Please” t-shirt, and the vial of blood from the last guy who asked “if my book was good” around my neck — that I didn’t want to be spoken to. So there we go, sunglasses on the train. That felt not only justifiable but practical.
The radius of my sunglasses zone started to bleed into my office building when I realized that since I was already now wearing them on the train, and obviously was also wearing them while walking from my apartment to the train, and the train to my office, if I wore them into the building, on the elevator, and down the hall, I could effectively get from the front door of my house to the safety of sitting in front of my computer with my eyes completely covered. Do you even know how freeing this is?
You might now. Let me explain.
Not only did having an entirely sunglass-swaddled commute mean that the capacity for eye contact (dear god, fuck that) with strangers was all but eliminated, strangers’ inability to see where exactly my eyes were looking (my head is staring at the wall, but my eyes are aggressively examining what book you’re reading, Woman Sitting At 10 O’Clock From Me) meant I was free to look at them a whole lot more. And there’s basically nothing I want more while in public than the ability to invasively stare at people without making them uncomfortable or accidentally inviting actual interaction with them. So this improved my commute life greatly, which is a solid chunk of hours in my week.
Next: Hangovers, crying, and red “maybe she’s born with it, maybe she has pinkeye” eyes during a particularly heinous insomnia phase — all covered without needing any makeup. Which is the best because who has time to strategically apply concealer to hide the fact that you’ve been crying about your insomnia all morning when you’ve been so busy crying about your insomnia all morning? No one! Time to make moves. Cue sunglasses. You can absolutely get away with just putting on lipstick and sunglasses and no matter what kind of messy life baggage you’re toting around that day, you will look totally put-together and on your game.
People might think you’re a pretentious asshole for wearing your sunglasses indoors, but to be honest, that’s probably a lot better than what they would think about you if you took your sunglasses off and your eyes revealed the unholy truth.
Basically, there’s no end to the benefits of wearing sunglasses, the least of which being the protection they afford your delicate little sight-orbs from the heinous sun. With that in mind, here are a bunch of cheap-but-very-cute pairs you can pretty much live in this summer.
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